You Don't Owe Him/Her - NicTovey.com
Relationship, Intimacy and Sexuality Coaching and Psychotherapy
couples counselling, relationship coaching, relationship therapy, sexuality, tantra, mens coaching, intimacy,
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You Don’t Owe Him/Her

You Don’t Owe Him/Her

Recently I heard a man sharing, with some distress, how his girlfriend was complaining to him that she “needed him to be more in his masculine”.

 

This is a story I hear a lot in the neo-tantric/consciousness world I roam, and I have also experienced it for myself.

 

There is a very misguided idea that gets thrown around that to be a “conscious man” or a “conscious woman” you are to be a certain way all the time. That we are to be consistent expressions of the Divine Masculine or Divine Feminine and anything less is a failure.

 

Well I’m calling bull shit on this idea!

 

This is nothing more than a modernised, spiritually fluffed up version of 1950’s style sexism, often done with covert and sometimes not so covert bullying tactics. To say to someone “you’re not masculine enough” or “you need to be in your feminine more” is a put down designed to belittle and induce shame, no matter how conscious you think you are.

 

We are always going to be attracted to certain qualities in a person, and much of this attraction is because this person has something we want, something we lack e.g. they have softness and I want some of that, they are motivated and I want some of that, etc. etc.

 

These qualities are easily bracketed into Masculine and Feminine categories and that can be useful, except when we genderise them and thus limit their expression.

 

We are all all of it!

 

The qualities of Masculine and Feminine exist across a spectrum and this spectrum exists in its entirety in all of life, including you and I.

 

So if there is a quality you are consistently attracted to this is likely an aspect of the spectrum you have not yet cultivated in your self and integrated as part of your wholeness.

 

If you are seeking something from without you are setting the other up for failure and you will always be disappointed.

 

He doesn’t owe you the masculine you have not yet created for yourself.

 

She doesn’t owe you the feminine you seek to find comfort.

 

If we can begin to release each other from the prison of our own expectations then we can begin to find true intimacy and deep connection.

 

If we can intend to meet and accept each other as all that they are, free from our own selfish need for them to be something for us, then we can each be the full expression of our own full spectrum self.

 

This is my prayer for us all.

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